2 posts tagged “change”
You know that awful skipping sound a broken record makes...or maybe a scratched cd makes...I'm starting to sound that way.
The last 3 weeks have been very difficult on me...Anxiety and stress took over for a while and I picked up a new stress habit...Insessant scratching and non-existant itching. I really believe that it's all in my head, but who knows...could be bugs, I guess....
I've been feeling pretty awful lately and I know without a doubt that I have been pretty awful to my poor, darling boyfriend. I've been prone to getting upset over little to nothing and, while we haven't been fighting persay, I know that I've been giving him my silent treatment...Not talking and letting myself get to the point where I am nearly in tears; the problem being in that I know without a doubt that my tears upset him terribly and make him feel responsible for them. I need to stop it.
I love him very much and that behavior is cruel to him.
I have it! I'm going to let it go...I'm going to go-with-the-flow...I can't worry about everything like a damn mother hen anymore...It's too much work to be like that. All I want is to learn to be happy and relaxed; to take things as they come and not to constantly be afraid of what might happen...
And so, to borrow a phrase from my wonderful boyfriend and also my brother, "Shit happens."
Work is going to learn to stay just there...at work. No more coming home...You will stay where you belong...In that hell-hole.
I am going to work on my bad behavior towards Raul. Maybe it's jealousy (though of what only God knows) and maybe it's stress...The point is it needs to stop.
And you know what, I can do this. I can do better and be a better person and take charge of my own life. No one writes my story, but me and I refuse to let others do it anymore. Not only that, but I refuse to allow myself to tear down all the hard work I have put into me these last 6 months....
I've come so far in the past few months; doing things I never thought I'd do. Not only that, but I'm happy for the first time in a very very long time.
Most of this is due to one thing...or person, I should say; Raul. I never thought that I'd find some one like him. I'm so comfortable around him and, though I'm still in the process, I'm almost able to be myself with him completely. Plus, I trust him completely. I've fallen in love...Obviously, with Raul. Who else would there be? Silly...Whenever he's involved, I'm happy and (my mother tells me) I act all silly and giggly. She knows when I'm thinking about him (which is most of the time) or talking to him.
Oh, and I've found the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with...Do you need to ask? No? Didn't think so...Well, if so, look above...Anyway, he wants to marry me. We had this conversation yesterday about getting engaged and getting married. He said he wants to ask me between February and June of 2007, but shhhhh...I didn't tell you that.
Now, I'm wicked excited. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. My life is wicked since he came into it. I don't think that there would be anything greater than to marry him and become his wife...
